Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.
Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ can work through me.
That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:8-10
I was sitting in the parking lot of the YMCA in tears. The blog that came through me that morning “Love without Fear” shook me to the core. It’s not easy to remember in vivid color the events that took place the night of your own father’s death.
From somewhere deep in my subconscious I made a decision that night, 19 years prior, to walk away from my emotions. It was so hard, so painful, so confusing, that I could not process it. Hadn’t I prayed for his healing? Hadn’t I believed hard enough? Well, it didn’t work. Maybe God wasn’t faithful after all. Maybe He didn’t hear me.
So I learned to compartmentalize life. I could easily live without much thought at all. And I became a human doing rather than a human being. It seemed easier that way. For years I didn’t cry and couldn’t understand what there was to cry about. Yet here I was, in my van, crying.
The phone rings and it was a friend who reads my blog and decided to check in on me. Is that God’s timing, or what? I watched people stream in and out of the parking lot in a hurry. Were they all ‘just fine’? Why was I suffering from such heavy emotions? Was all this ‘personal growth’ worth it?
“The unexamined life is not worth living,” they said. And it struck me. Yes! That is it! Living in unawareness seems easier. Pushing the autopilot button and flying through life while you’re sleeping in coach was not the way to experience all the richness of relationships and experiences. And that’s what I had done and now I woke up. I walked down the center aisle and I took my seat at the front of my life.
You have to be up front in the cockpit, taking an active role, following the chart, monitoring the instruments, checking in with the tower to make sure you’re on course. And that is what emotional connectedness looks like. It’s being active and constantly changing and steering yourself, with God’s help, towards the promised land. Not numbing out or living in ignorance.
As I’ve become more self-aware and emotionally ‘in tune’ with myself (which I highly recommend you do as well) I have a greater understanding of what I need to be happy and what I cannot live without. And this is not about food, water, shelter and a black Honda Odyssey. These are much deeper than that.
Yesterday I talked openly (and somewhat disjointedly) about my Kryptonite. This is what makes me weak, vulnerable and ineffective. I won’t spoil the punch so you’ll have to watch to find out.
Jesus wants to help you. Your kryptonite is there for a reason. Paul had a thorn that he prayed to have removed, but it was not. Why? So he could remember his strength and power was not of himself it was from God. This kryptonite of mine is also a gift. It is a reminder that I cannot be most effective alone. I need the emotional support of others and a strong connection with Him to really make a maximum impact. And that is how it should be.
His strength is made perfect in our weakness.