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I’m Quitting

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He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it.
1 Thessalonians 5:24

I quit. I give up. Nothing is good enough for anybody else. It seems. Sang Edie Brickell in her popular 1994 song.

Edie should have been with me at the Sunburst Cafe yesterday as I sat with my foamy cappuccino editing my book The Ultimate Love Affair and sinking deeper and deeper into self-doubt and discouragement. I could have sung right along with her.

At one point I was absolutely convinced that the whole project was garbage and it wasn’t worth publishing anyways. Why bother? So I shared my sentiments in this video last night on Facebook Live and thought I’d give you a peek at it too.

This is the dilemma of every human being I suppose. Wanting to do big things and then shrinking back into fear and self-doubt. Pressing ahead and then questioning the sanity of it all.

I wonder if Jesus felt that way? Did He ever wake up tired and say, “I can’t keep healing all these people. I mean I’ve had a good streak, but I am just not feeling called anymore. I feel like I’m a fake. A fraud.”

Did He ever want to quit? Did He ever reminisce about the simpler times, working with his father Joseph, in their carpentry business? He had an easier life back then. He had time and space to breathe. Now, look at what He created. A following of people He could never get away from.

Maybe that’s selfish to even think that way, but I do wonder. Jesus was human too and maybe, I’m guessing most likely, He felt the pressure of His calling and maybe sometimes His stomach churned thinking about it.

I can remember starting my coaching business in 2010 I often felt like I was going to get ‘found out’ that I was just playing dress up and pretending that I could help someone. I was a faker too.

Despite the symptoms of the human condition, the self-doubt that lingers in the back of the head, the butterflies that swirl inside the belly, He learned to surrender. He was able to say, “Not my will, but yours be done.”

We too need to learn to surrender. And it is not easy.

Arriving home, discouraged, those human symptoms festered on into the evening when I recorded the video. The epiphany only really happened this morning, as I was making my coffee asking God HOW can I get over this feeling of not being good enough?

To which He spoke so loudly and clearly this verse- He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it.

I have known since I was probably 15 years old that I was called to do what I’m doing now.

Did I really fall back into that old pattern of self-reliance AGAIN? I did. Did I continue to believe that if it’s to be it’s up to me? I keep forgetting to surrender my plans to His. I keep forgetting to ask for help. I keep blocking the flow of God’s grace by thinking I have to do it alone.

I am just a vessel. I am only here to show up and carry out His work as best I can. Does it have to be perfect? No. Does it have to be authentically me? Yes.

That is my job. Just be me.

Rely on God fully, ask for help and speak my truth into the world. Plant the seeds and let God determine the harvest. So that is what I am reminding myself today…ask God for help. Ask for His blessing on this book project. Ask it to change even just one person and point them back to the Ultimate Love Affair.

If it does that, then it was worth it. And the truth is…it already has changed one person. Me. So I can count it a success. I guess I won’t quit afterall.